It has been 2 months since we welcomed sweet Little W into our lives. 2 whole months. I can not believe how quickly time has gone or how quickly he has grown. It seems like every day he is discovering something new.
I have come to learn a lot about love over the past few months. Love that I didn’t know I was capable of giving. Love for my husband in his new found role of fatherhood. Love for a little boy who is perfect in every way. Love that is all consuming and selfless. Love that wakes me up at nights and dries his tears. Love that both breaks my heart and elates as he reaches new milestones.
I have also come to learn something about the love of a mother, the love of my own mother.
I learned how much my mom loved me November 21 at 3:05 AM, the moment I heard a little boy take his first breath of life. That divine heavenly moment flooded my heart with a hundred emotions. In that moment in a room next to heaven I learned how much my mom has loved me. I learned the depth and grain of each I love you. I learned the spectrum of emotion behind each hug, each tear, each good bye.
I learned in that moment that I have never earned her love. There is not a day that I did something to “justify” the love that she has for me. There was not a morning she woke up and decided to love me. It happened much the same as it did for me when Little W was born. The love of a mother is never earned or divvied out among her children. It is a love that is as unique and individual as they are. Her love has always been there and always will be. It is a love that loved late into the evenings and a love that got her up early in the mornings. It is a love that taught to give and to serve, to pray and to fast. A love that gave the best to us, the last bite, the day off work, her weekends, her time her energy. A love that isn’t rewarded or celebrated but one Sunday a year in May, but somehow is rewarding 365 days a year.
I learned in that moment I will always be her little girl. I learned that she still sees me as that curly headed two year old, that little girl taking off on a bike for the first time. I learned holding me in the earliest morning hours she dreamed of my future and who I would become. I learned that there is the mothers paradox; you want to raise independent successful children but you never want them to grow up or stop needing you.
That fall Friday morning holding my little boy, I learned my mothers love.
Things that others find ordinary or mundane now fill my heart with love. Smiles, coos, the face he makes while trying to wake up, make me fall in love all over again. I get it now. I get why there are Facebook Moms who blow up my news feed with potty training sagas, or too much information on their child’s poop habits. I get it, although don’t endorse that kind of behavior. I get it because somehow this little person has captivated every empty part of your heart. This little person has taken you from someone ordinary and made you into their world. This little person has taken you from selfish to giving. This little person has taken every ounce of you and changed you and you want the world to feel that too.
I learned in that first breath how much I would give to that little boy, that I would truly give everything I have to him. That I would wear out my life in doing all I could to make him happy. I learned in that moment that me growing up was my mom’s greatest source of joy. That there is no greater accomplishment than watching, patiently teaching, serving, giving and giving all that you can to help this child succeed. I learned there will never be enough time spent together, no day quite long enough, or enough I love you’s said. I get the love that keeps your heart as you are up late into the night rocking that sweet baby to sleep. I learned the love that isn’t spoken as she is at every recital, graduation, game, on your wedding day, and the day you have a child of your own.
In that moment I also learned about another’s love. The love that God feels for each of his children. For truly we are his joy and his everything. Surely he listens to our prayers and answers them in the best way possible. Surely he wants to give us all that he has. I knew at 3 in the morning that God was real and that his love for ME was real. Me as an individual. Not collectively all of his children. But I knew that God loved me. Just me. There was no path I could take, no spot too far that his love would end. For he taught each of us how to love and if I can love my son so perfectly, and be so loved by my mom, then truly the love that he has is perfect. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Begotten Son” but I now know for myself that God so loved ME that he gave his only Begotten Son.